The Darcy Departure
by A-Little-Bit-Of-Awesomeness
Summary: Raj hears some tragic news, although his friends don't seem to have quite the same reaction. L/P, S/A and H/B.


**Author's Note: Just a little something I came up with after hearing the terrible news that Raj hears. I didn't quite have Raj's reaction but I still think it's tragic. Why, Helen Fielding, Why?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

****Warning: Major Bridget Jones Spoilers****

Things were getting back to normal after Leonard's North Sea trip. It was Friday night and, as always, they were having Chinese take-out. Unfortunately for Sheldon, Leonard had forgotten to ask for brown rice, not white.

"I'm sorry, Sheldon. I guess it just slipped my mind after being away for so long," Leonard apologised as he handed out each order.

"Slipped your mind? Looks like all those sea shanties have gotten to your head," Sheldon commented bitterly. "FYI, Amy didn't overlook one single element of my take-out order while you were gone. One of the many reasons she received an A+ on her report card."

Amy beamed at Leonard to show this was true.

"Penny, what was your final grade?" Leonard asked thoughtfully.

"Oh, it doesn't matter," she answered, hoping they would drop the subject. Seeing the three pairs of eyes looking at her, she continued, "Fine, I got a D."

"Followed by a 'must try harder'," Sheldon added unhelpfully.

"Like that's gonna happen," Penny chuckled.

After a weak knock at the door, Raj wandered in grasping a collection of tissues. He looked a mess; tears streaked down his face, wrapped in a messy blanket, hair greasy and unbrushed and an expression of the deepest distress. This was not the bubbly, vivacious Raj Koothrappali that the group had become accustomed to.

"Did you hear the news?"

"Oh my God, what happened?" Penny asked, abandoning her egg rolls and guiding him over to the sofa.

"I-I... oh, I can't," he stuttered, dissolving into tears.

"Sheldon, he's obviously upset," Amy told her boyfriend.

"Right, I'll make tea," he accepted.

"Are your family all okay?"

"Yeah," Raj whimpered.

"Is it something to do with Lucy?" Leonard questioned in concern.

Raj shook his head and the blonde put her arm around him comfortingly.

"Is Cinnamon okay?"

Leonard rolled his eyes, but Penny didn't notice.

"Mmm," Raj murmured.

"Okay, not the family, ex-girlfriend or dog," Leonard summarised to himself.

"While you look for the source of Raj's anguish, may I hook him up to a portable electroencephalogram? I haven't used it in a while," Amy asked no one in particular.

"What?"

"You remember, bestie? A few years ago, when you found out Leonard was dating Priya, your crying helped me make a rhesus monkey sob like a little girl," Amy told her.

"Oh right, sure," Penny agreed. As soon as Amy wasn't looking, she mouthed 'I've got no idea' at Leonard, who smiled back.

"He's dead!" Raj wept, bringing the attention back to him. "He's never coming back."

They all looked around at each other and realised in horror that Howard (and Bernadette) hadn't turned up yet.

"Oh my God!" Leonard cried.

A shocked silence enveloped the apartment and Sheldon slumped back in his spot, leaving the cup of tea he made for Raj on the table. As much as he mocked Howard he was devastated at the idea of his death, just as he would be if it was about any of his friends.

"Hey guys!"

Sheldon, Amy, Leonard and Penny screamed in unison as Howard came in.

"Everyone calm down!" Bernadette shouted sounding just like Howard's mother. "Now, what's going on here?"

"We thought Howard was dead," Penny exclaimed, pulling away from Raj.

"Why? I'm right as rain."

The four pointed to the astrophysicist.

"I never said anything like that. Y-you just assumed," he sobbed.

"You could've explained," Leonard told him. Raj shrugged sadly.

"What's wrong, buddy?" Howard asked, going over to his best friend.

"He died," Raj whispered, eyes wide and glassy.

"Oh no, not this again," Sheldon muttered a bit too loud.

"Sheldon, be nice; he's obviously upset," Leonard ordered through his teeth.

"I know, I made tea."

"Who died, sweetie?" Penny persisted.

"Mark Darcy!" Raj cried in anguish.

"What?"

"Who's that?"

"Bridget Jones' lover," Raj sniffed, pulling his blanket closer around himself. "I saw the spoilers for the new Bridget Jones book and Mark Darcy's not even in it. He's long dead. The author Helen Fielding killed him off, just like that."

He made a wide, sweeping hand gesture and knocked over the low sodium soy sauce. Sheldon set it upright, mentally thanking a deity he doesn't believe in that the sauce had a lid on it. Unlike Raj's emotions.

"Can you believe it?" He bawled.

"What I can't believe is that you made us think Howard had died when it was just some stupid movie character," Penny scoffed, sitting back next to Leonard.

"Books and movies, actually, and how dare you speak of Mark Darcy in that way! He is, I mean, he 'was' kind and caring and..."

"Wonderful, could you pass the mustard?" Howard asked Amy.

"Sure."

"H-how are you guys not ruined by this?"

"Well, for starters we have lives," Penny replied, double dipping her egg rolls.

"That's debatable."

"Hey!"

"B-but he loved Bridget 'just the way she is'. A-and he fought Daniel Cleaver and kept fighting even when they fell in the big posh restaurant. Oh no, what if Bridget goes back to that lying rat?"

"It's not bad," Leonard commented, trying to look like he cared remotely about a character he had barely heard about.

"Are you kidding? Darcy's almost as good as Spock," he sighed heavily.

"Excuse me?" Sheldon replied incredulously.

"Right, sorry."

"I should think so too," Sheldon accepted. "Almost as good as Spock, indeed."

The room went quiet for a moment.

"Guys, can we have a private funeral for him?"

"You want us to have a funeral for Mark Darcy? Are you insane?" Howard responded, rolling his eyes.

* * *

"I still don't know how he talked us into this," Howard moaned.

"Me neither. To think we're spending Saturday afternoon mourning the death of a fictional character we've only vaguely heard of," Leonard whispered back.

The group were gathered in the park around a shrine of Bridget Jones books, DVDs and general memorabilia including a few movie posters. The only person missing was Sheldon, for two reasons: firstly he didn't think he would enjoy it (especially as Raj said that Darcy was almost as good as Spock) and secondly because Raj didn't think he could handle Sheldon being Sheldon on a day as grave as this.

Everyone was dressed in smart, dark clothing (Raj can be very persuasive), the guys dressed like they did for Howard's bachelor party but more solemn. Raj was wearing an elegant tailored suit and had taken on the role of funeral director.

"Quiet, please," Raj ordered.

"He's taking this pretty seriously," Bernadette whispered to Penny as Raj pulled a selection of prompt cards out of his blazer's inside pocket.

"We are gathered here on this crisp autumnal afternoon to pay our respects to the marvellous Mr Mark Darcy. Firstly, we will begin our readings. I'll start. This is a short passage from the first book, at the part where Bridget meets Mark for the first time."

Apparently, Raj's idea of a 'short passage' was different to everyone else's. He went on and on for so long that Bernadette wondered if he was reading the entire book, but no one had the heart to stop him. Finally it was over.

Everyone in turn read their allocated extract. Even those who hadn't read the book (which was the majority of them) had been given a section to read aloud.

"Thank you for that, Amy," Raj smiled tearily as the brunette came to the end of her segment. "Now we will go round and tell each other about this wonderful man, and how we feel about him. I believe you all wanted to prepare speeches?"

"More like were forced to," Leonard muttered.

"I'm so glad I kept my Cooper Coupon. That grammar check actually kinda helped the speech I'd written," Penny whispered to him.

"I know. I'm surprised that the expiry date lasted this long."

"This time, I think I'll go last and give everyone else a chance to let their feelings show. You're all being very brave today," Raj announced with a catch in his throat. "Bernadette, as you're the only one besides myself that's read the books, you can start."

"Okay. I found Mark Darcy to be a caring, intelligent guy with a good sense of humour that I enjoyed both reading and watching. He and Bridget were a wonderful couple that complemented each other, just like me and Howie," Bernadette told everyone with a giggle. Howard grinned and Penny faked a sick noise. "I think that Mark Darcy was a far better match for Bridget than Daniel Cleaver will ever be. Daniel was a liar, he cheated on her and had even slept with Mark's fiancé before they met Bridget."

"Yeah, but, like Daniel's hotter. Mark Darcy wasn't hot," Penny commented, remembering the movie version she had watched with Bernadette once.

"Mark Darcy wasn't hot? He was gorgeous! How could you say that? HOW COULD YOU?"

It took both Leonard and Howard to hold Raj back.

"Hey, it's okay buddy, Penny was just teasing you," Leonard told him, as he tried to keep Raj away from Penny.

"Yeah, it was just a joke," Penny lied. She hadn't expected that reaction at all, she wouldn't have said anything if she had. "Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry."

"Did you really think that was appropriate to mock him at his own funeral?"

"No. Again, I'm sorry. Do you want me to go?"

"No, you can stay," Raj allowed, wiping his eyes. "You can redeem yourself with a beautiful speech from the heart."

Penny looked down at her prompt card and decided to amend it a little. Fine, completely ignore it.

"Okay, here goes. Mark Darcy was everything a girl could ever want; funny, kind, smart and very cute. Even the jumpers that his mom made for him every Christmas were adorable."

"Thank you, Penny, I'm glad we let you stay. Howard, you're up."

"Alright, let's get this show on the road. Everything I know about the series I've learnt in the last twenty four hours, so I can't say I'm an expert. But tonight Raj and I are having a Bridget Jones movie marathon. Yay," Howard explained, faking enthusiasm that everyone but Raj saw through. "But Mark Darcy seemed like a great guy and I'm sure we'd get along."

"A little vague, but I appreciate the sentiment," Raj commented. "Amy, it's your turn."

"As you wish. I have as much experience of the series as Howard, however I have been told that Colin Firth plays Mark Darcy and I've seen him in the 1995 movie of Pride and Prejudice. Particularly from the lake scene, I can confirm that he is very attractive. Very, very... I'm gonna wrap it up there, can I have a minute?"

"Sure," Raj agreed while Amy fanned herself with a copy of 'Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason'. "Leonard, it's your go."

"Here we go. Luckily, Penny didn't make me watch the movies like she made me watch the Jennifer Anistons, But, uh, Mark Darcy was a great guy and he treated Bridget like a princess," Leonard told everyone. He had tried to prepare a longer speech, but he would have needed to do some research on the character and he wasn't taking this_ that_ seriously. What did he know about Mark Darcy anyway?

Raj gestured for him to continue and Leonard groaned reluctantly.

"Oh, I don't know. Helen Fielding could be punished for crimes against humanity for killing him off," Leonard added sarcastically.

"Sorry to sound like Sheldon, but I have no idea why that was sarcasm," Raj remarked. "Anyway, I think I'm ready to conclude. Thank you all for coming to this funeral, it meant a lot to me. To end things off I have a Chinese lantern that I spent this morning copying my favourite quotes onto."

Raj picked up a Chinese lantern from the top of the shrine they were standing around. Sure enough, various Mark Darcy quotes had been written delicately on it. There were two large photographs of Mark Darcy (well, Colin Firth as Mark Darcy) stuck to it on opposite sides. They were on opposite sides to keep it balanced so that it didn't fly lopsidedly. It looked so ridiculous that the group had to put their hands over their mouths so that Raj didn't see them laugh.

"Everyone, hold on to the lantern," Raj instructed as he pulled a match box out of his pocket.

"What, are we gonna burn the shrine?" Penny asked. Everyone held onto a side of the Chinese lantern.

"No, not my precious shrine," Raj shrieked, sounding a little bit like Gollum.

"He's going to set the lantern alight. The shrine's just there for a focal point... just to be a shrine really. Raj will take it all home afterwards," Leonard explained.

"Oh, sure," Penny nodded.

Raj lit the centre of the lantern and little orange and yellow flames curled up.

"Shouldn't we have done this at night?" Amy asked. "The effect would be better."

"Yeah, but the park would be closed and I wanted to hold the funeral here. Besides, a crisp afternoon dappled with soft sunlight seemed like the right time for his funeral," Raj answered.

"How did he die?" Bernadette questioned.

"So many questions!"

"Wait, how did he die?" Leonard asked.

"I don't know, the spoilers I saw didn't say. Maybe they'll keep it a secret until the book is released," Raj sniffed, tears forming in his eyes. "Okay, let's read in unison the writing on the top of the lantern and let it go."

There were a few groans and mutters, but everyone agreed to do it. If they had got this far, the final part would be no problem.

"Mark Darcy, you'll live forever in our hearts."

Gracefully, the lantern glided up into the sky. The group who had expected to not care felt their hearts melt a little in the peace of the moment. Leonard and Penny put their arms around each other and Howard and Bernadette did the same. Realising that Raj was the most affected and without a partner, they absent-mindedly decided to comfort him too. Everyone joined in a group hug, gazing up until the lantern was a speck of orange in a sea of cornflower blue.


End file.
